4/15 Tiger Mothering aka Courageous Parenting ?!

I did the unthinkable.  But I feel good about it.  It's the thing a tiger mother would do. Or maybe this could be called "courageous" parenting? I don't think I am very popular in my kids' eyes tonight, that's for sure.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been battling a serious battle with my 10-year old.  Messy room and bathroom, not returning things to their proper places, expensive items (like a camera!) strewn on the floor, and perfectly good clothes cut up for "fabric" use, and saying she would clean but turn right around and do nothing.

The first go around I kindly asked her to clean her room.  Well apparently I didn't do good on the "follow up" and "check up" because it didn't get done.  Since the baby came I haven't been good about checking up on things!  So the weekend came and Friday night I asked her to clean her room and bathroom, plus now the toilets (her weekend chore).  The rest of the house I pretty much picked up myself so I figured i'd give her a break and just have her clean the toilets.

I helped her organize her bathroom on Saturday morning and it was pretty close to being done, except for a few things I told her to put in certain places.  Then I went to nurse, visited some newborns, and then late in the afternoon I decided to check on her.  It wasn't done.  It was like I left and she just left too.   I gave her another shot and told her to clean it up before she went to bed that night.  Before bed I checked again and still nothing had been done.  No toilets were cleaned, no room was picked up, or the bathroom finished. I must also say that this is NOT usually like her.  She usually is pretty good at listening to me, but as of late, I think the mess was just too much for her to deal with -- that's why I helped for 3 hours organizing her bathroom.  The point is, there wasn't much for her to do after that.  She just simply chose NOT to do it.

I was being ignored.  And I was not going to let that happen again. This had to be nipped at the bud. Quickly.

I was mad as heck at this point, and told her we were going to call this a strike, and if she got 5 strikes before her birthday in two months, she would get nothing for her birthday.  And I stand by it.  She nodded yes.  You would think that would do the trick.  Not!

Well, apparently, I have been too kind, because today, Sunday, I had hoped that after our little loud talk last night she would listen and obey.   Before bed, I heard Kevin ask her to clean her room and bathroom before tomorrow morning.  Kevin almost never asks.  He's the patient one.  Not like me.  It takes a very long while to get him mad at our house.  I heard her say "OK".  What?!  I thought it should have been already done.  I decided to check on her.  Wouldn't you know it, it was the same as the night before!  She had even added to the mess by doing more crafts and had more things strewn on the counter top.

I lost it!   It takes a long while for me to really lose it.  But I am sad to say I did.  I made her come to our room and in Kevin's presence she knew things were not good.  I told her how disappointed I was of her behavior and a bunch of other things.  I thought of things I could take away for a consequence -- but I had nothing.  She's already had computer privileges revoked, grounded from friends, etc.  None of those punishments worked to improve her behavior in the last two weeks.  Then the idea came to me.  It was like a bulb had lit up in my head.  I hadn't thought it before, and at first I thought it extreme, but the more I talked, the inspired thought kept coming back and I knew I had to say it.

So I started to say "I hate to do this, you know how much I like for you to have nice clothes and pretty things.. but because you do not take care of your things, not do your chores after being given more than ample time to do them, did not listen to mom and dad, pretty much ignored us (disrespect), those privileges will be taken away and you will have to earn them back ONE piece at a time."  I added later that she also has to find someone who could use a bunch of the clothes, someone who would appreciate it more than she does.

She got some garbage sacks and took out every single piece of clothing in her room and piled it up high.

I told her she could have 5 sets of school uniforms, 3 pairs of socks, 7 sets of underwear, 3 shirts, 1 pair of jeans (I let her keep 1 more that needed to go in the wash), 1 pair of pajamas, and 3 dresses to wear to church.  It was quite interesting to watch the choices she made.

5 garbage sacks later, her 5 drawer chest is empty and the closet is bare.  That should help keep her room clean.  But beyond the "clean" room, I know she will appreciate things more after this experience, she will learn how to take care of her things, and that she cannot simply take what she's been blessed with for granted.  I do not want her to have this sense of entitlement or "affluenza" that many kids with good parents have nowadays.

After we were done, I told her it pains me to see her lose all of this stuff that we had so much fun picking out.  I made clear that I wasn't doing this because I don't love her or just mad at her.  I don't like being mean and I told her it makes me sad to have to do this, but it is the best way I know how to fix things.  In fact, it is because I love her and I do not want her turning into a bratty teenager.  Sometimes, I explained, we have to do hard things to correct our course.  Sometimes the only way to truly understand how lucky we are is to experience the sad and have privileges taken away.  She nodded in understanding and told Collin the reasons why she had this happen to her -- and among the things she said (and my ears perked up at this) was that she was ungrateful.  My heart was just full.  She told me she was sorry, and I told her so was I.  We ended on a good note, and gave her a tight hug before she went to bed. Oh I felt so sorry for her.

She still has to deal with the consequences of her actions, and hopefully I did the right thing.  Sad thing is, next Sunday is Easter, and she is not getting a new dress.  I was going to sew up a new dress, or buy her one, but I will be doing her a big disfavor by turning around and giving her a new dress after all that was done tonight.

POST update:  I had a weak moment the Wednesday before Easter and found the perfect Easter dress at the Gap.  It was pink, flowy, and went perfectly with the Lila belt I got her from Joyfolie.  I bought the dress, and held on to it until the day after Easter.  I went to Gap, returned the dress, and the kind lady asked me if we just didn't like the dress. I told her the whole story and she appreciated hearing it because she also has a 15-year old daughter and said "sometimes I have to do things like that too so she would learn."  It was so good to hear that from someone else, that though I didn't know personally (and probably not even LDS), was a mother like me.