My Take on Tiger Mother - Part 1

I just read the book "The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother".  I now understand why it was so controversial and really made people think about how they parent.  It made me think about parenting, but not in the way I expected it to - it didn't make me think of whether or not I am being hard enough on my kids; it didn't make me think about whether or not Western parenting was more superior than Chinese parenting, or vice-versa; it didn't make me think about if I was a good parent or not; rather, it made me think about why I parent the way I do.  You see, I am a product of many cultures - four, in fact: Filipino, Bahamian, American, and Mormon cultures.

So in reading the book, I could relate to it in many different ways.  It reminded me a little of my childhood in the Philippines:  no sleepovers, no playdates after school, no TV for the most part, and  no matter how one thinks their parents, grandparents, or anyone in authority is wrong, they still are to be shown respect; high expectations - there was no question about college - you just go! and major in a degree that gives you a title: Medicine, Law, a PhD., etc., and preferably, at a well-known university or the Philippine equivalent of an Ivy League school.  That was just how it was, and I do not remember ever feeling jipped or that I missed out on something -- I was expected to always be the top of the class - and if I came home with an A-, that wasn't good enough.  I didn't get praise except when I had A's.   And because my parents and grandparents believed that I could do better than an A-, I believed I could do better than an A-.

Get an Education!
My grandfather, Santos, is known for this line: "Get an education".  He was strict, no-nonsense type man, and when he was around, we would always be at our best.  He was not huggy or anything like that - but I have the utmost respect and love for this man (he did end up being a big teddy bear though as we got older).  He stood for something and had integrity, a great example.  On a meager school teacher's salary and a bit of farmland that he worked on himself, he turned out 2 medical doctors, 1 architect, and 1 dentist out of his five kids.  Not an easy feat, but he pushed them like no other, and his children are forever grateful to him for that.  And I know because my father (a doctor), is helping to take care of him, and has nothing but good to say about his father.  My dad, though more Western than Chinese in his parenting, also didn't expect less than what his father expected of him -- all his kids graduated with degrees from BYU (well minus 1 who is currently still in college but will soon graduate).

So how does this affect my parenting?  I expect nothing but the best from my children. There is no question of whether or not they are going to college.  They are going to attend a university and major in a marketable degree. I prize high education, as my grandfather does.   But that's at least 7 years away.  What about now?  The conversation about college started when they were old enough to say I'm going to school.  I expect nothing but the best.  I think it has stuck because my kids are a little squeamish about showing me their report card when they have an A- instead of an A. I always say they need to have excellent grades if they want to get in the college of their choice, in addition to being involved in extracurricular activities, and has one talent they can share with others.  Unlike the tiger mother though, I do not beat my kids or trash them when they do a little less than excellent.  But I must somehow express some kind of "next time an A would be better" or "A- is like a B" or something to get this kind of squeamish reaction when they have A-'s.

No, I do not praise mediocre work (or lavishly praise) when I know they could have done better. Kids know at a young age when they have done a good job or not - even at preschool age.  I do not say "great job! you are so smart!" -- I tell them exactly what they did that was smart, like "you learned 4 letter sounds today.  that's a lot of brain work!"  Another example: I am a harsh critic of papers Allie writes for school.  I let her write the paper and I "grade" the paper just like I would if I were her teacher.  She grumbles about it and sometimes gets wide-eyed with the comments and critique I give, but when she comes home with an A, she is so happy and thanks for me for my help.  Once Allie asked if she would get a cupcake or gift for getting an A in Honors Math, and the answer was NO.  I asked Allie why and she said, "because the satisfaction of getting an A is enough".  Right on!
Note: Allie loathes Honors Math and wishes she was in a lower level math class when she has bad days - and asks constantly if she could switch.  My answer is always no - I tell her I didn't put her in that class, her teacher did, and apparently her teacher believes she is capable, so she gets to stay in it, and I expect her to get an A. I, for the most part, side with the teachers, and in no way sympathetic to "it's too hard" comments - my solution to that is to work harder, and spend more time with it or ask me when something doesn't make sense and I will try to help, but I am not going to cater to her wishes and ask to have to her switched back to a regular class.  So far her report card shows that her teacher (and I) are right.

Piano Practice
It is the same with piano.  Nothing like Amy Chua in the book is - I disagree with the overkill (seriously, 4-5 hours?), but I understand the hard work that was needed to get where her kids are now (Sophia is in college at Harvard, but pursuing a non-music degree).  Practice time at home is 30 minutes a day no breaks for water or the bathroom.  If they take a break, the time starts over.  If they do not practice for 30 minutes, it gets added on to the next day's practice time in addition to the loss of TV, computer, video games (which they don't really care too much about), AND friends privileges for the week.

And for the most part, both Allie and Collin know the rules and do not complain about it nor think it is mean.  They just know that's how it will be.  Now I am not expecting them to compete in piano competitions or anything like that.  I just want them to be very good at something before they reach 7th grade; so that when they have a bad day or at times when they think they are no good, or question if they are any good (or any teenager-growing up-type-question), they will have something concrete to fall back on.  They can say "oh, yes, if there is one good thing I am good at, it is this".  I want them to have the confidence that comes with being good at something. And to believe that they can be good at something if they put hard work into it -- that if there are instructions, a book, or someone to teach you about something, you can learn it AND be good at it, if you are willing to put the time and hard work required.

This type of drive can only come from within, and my job as their mother, is to help them develop that drive and love of learning.  I want them to learn that what they are capable of doing depends on them, and if they fail, they have no one to blame but themselves.  I want them to learn that no matter what place or situation they end up in, even if it is less ideal, it is their job to rise above it, that they are responsible for their own happiness and ability to learn.  In the same breadth, I know this also teaches them that they cannot blame others for their own unhappiness.

As one who grew up with Chinese parents (using the term loosely meaning parents with Chinese-style parenting as described in the book, as my parents are definitely not Chinese), I find it easy and do not think it mean to require my kids to work hard at these things, or to critique them without thinking too much of what it would do to their self-esteem.  I don't beat around the bush when I am asked whether or not their hair looks good or if their project or work is good enough, or whether their chores are done to the level they need to be.  I am perfectly honest when I dole out compliments.  And they are perfectly honest with theirs.  I guess the key here is to really know your kids.  I think by that you can gauge how much to push so you don't end up with a Lulu (the younger tiger cub who rebelled).

Here is an excerpt from the book that I like:

There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

I agree with the last sentence, a product of my Asian upbringing - my job is to prepare my kids for the future, to let them see what they're capable of, and arm them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence (vs coming from other people) that no one can ever take away. I should also add, that the answer is not to be like Amy Chua all the way -- she is extreme but I one thing liked about her was that she was right in the trenches with her kids as they did hard things!  I can be firm, consistent, and push our kids to do hard things but I also have to be nurturing as well - the challenge, really, is to find that delicate balance between the two parenting cultures.